A Man's Job Part 1: Apocalypse Zero

I'm a big fan of the manliest men of anime.  The tough guys who know how to get the job done, oftentimes with their fists and/or guns.  They say not to send a boy to do a man's job and we'll be exploring that idea this month.  Some jobs are difficult and meant for the burly musclebound men.  We'll be examining titles where a female, child or combination thereof take on the jobs of my favorite macho males.  We'll start with the job of post-apocalyptic martial arts expert in:

Background:
Released By: Anime Works
Length: 75 minutes
Year of Production: 1996
Language: Sub and Dub both included, Dub reviewed
Available on Netflix: NO!  Probably for a good reason.

Coincidentally the same week I decided to share this title with you, a columnist on ANN did a write-up about the manga. You can check that out here: ANN - House of 1,000 Manga.  This is one of those titles you really have to see to believe.  A bit of a warning, this title is recommended by the distributor for ages 16 and up although personally I'd add a couple years to that recommendation myself, probably an NC-17 rating honestly.  If your sensibilities are easily offended you may want to skip this week, although I'll try to keep the writeup as tame as possible.  

The Man and His Job:
Kenshiro from Fist of the North Star is an anime legend.  The sole, true successor of the Fist of the North Star fighting style, Ken travels the barren wastelands of a post-apocalyptic earth vanquishing evil and defending the innocent with his mighty blows.  His ultimate goal is to defeat his evil tyrant of a brother who has trained in the same style.

The Original Savior of the End Times

Kakugo from Apocalypse Zero is in a very similar situation.  He also roams the barren earth after seismic activity destroyed most life on the planet.  He is the successor of the Zero Style of fighting and protects the weak from powerful demons.  Kakugo's half-demon brother is the ultimate enemy, trained in the same style, ruling over the demons while trying to exterminate humanity.

Story:
At the beginning of the 21st century (So 10 years ago?) seismic activity destroyed the earth's crust.  The earthquakes and volcanoes lasted for three years and killed untold millions.  Civilization is essentially destroyed.  Following our cheery prologue, we cut to a child fighting a bear.  This isn't any old bear though, it is a radioactive, mutant bear that has acid coursing through its veins instead of blood.  It also has 6 very voluptuous breasts.  The boy is a young Kakugo, and as he attacks the bear its blood is slowly destroying his flesh.  His brother Harara gets frustrated with the slow progress and interrupts, finishing the bear effortlessly by making it explode.

Damn your acid blood she-beast!

Their father takes them back to the dojo and has them recite the tenants of their family, to defend those without fangs from the demons who take on human form.  Then their father presents them with Fortified Shell Armor, made with the sacrifice of noble warriors.  Each boy gets a suit although Harara's is distinctly feminine.  

Harara always knew Daddy wanted a girl

In a ruined cityscape two young students stop to smell a solitary flower.  Despite following this ancient wisdom, the two are attacked by an enormous female demon wearing nothing but a spiked codpiece.  This abomination squeezes the female student until her guts spew out her mouth and then kidnaps the male student.  At the students' school a new transfer student shows up and is threatened by the sword wielding student disciplinary committee until he shows the proper identification.  The gremlin looking school teacher introduces Kakugo to the class and has him sit next to the most popular girl in class, Horie.  The seat next to her is always empty as her wannabe boyfriend, Haoka, roughs up anyone who dares sit near his love.

The new guy gets a proper welcome

The teacher, Zenigata, and the school's principal sit down together to discuss the challenges of raising kids in this hellhole.  Zenigata favors the "giving-up" approach to teaching, while the principal feels the hopelessness of their situation is all the more reason to provide as decent a school life as possible.  These same students are currently harassing the new kid behind the school.  Kakugo refuses to fight back, so the bullies get bored and leave.  The large demon we saw earlier is seen straddling her male victim and she sucks his face off with the most extreme kiss.

Worst hickey of all time

Horie walks home from school with three male escorts, including Haoka.  The group is attacked by the demon who has the face of her most recent victim sewn over her breast.  The demon accuses Horie of being a whore for keeping three men all to herself.  The demon attacks Horie but her attack is blocked by a mysterious man in black armor.  This unknown hero then gasses the large she-demon, rendering her unconscious.  The audience is shown that the hero is actually Kakugo.  His enemy wakes up shortly and powers up, growing spikes and breathing fire.  Kakugo uses the "Way of the Blow" to sever her spinal cord.  This attack causes her to vomit a pile of human remains and her last, barely alive victim.  Horie rushes to comfort the dieing, soon-to-be corpse.

In a few more minutes this will probably constitute necrophilia

The demon struggles to her feet one more time.  Kakugo powers up slightly and kicks the demon's brains out the back of her skull.  Horie feels bad about leaving the human remains in the vomit drenched stack and debates burying them.  Kakugo makes the work easier by cremating the remains with his armor's built in flamethrower.  The souls of the victims travel to heaven as a demonic priest looks on.  In the uninhabitable region of the city known as Section 13, Harara lives in a castle with her demon generals.  He reveals that his goal is to create an utopia through harmony, a harmony only feasible if mankind is exterminated.  Also, Harara seems to have transformed from an effeminate boy into a woman as the years went by.

Puberty hit him/her like a very confused ton of bricks

Harara has her minions bring 5 humans for a sparring match.  She agrees to give the pathetic human warriors anything they want if they can defeat her in battle.  This plays out about as you might expect.  On touch from Harara causes a human's intestines to spray forth from their mouth.  She dispatches them all quickly and asks her general to bring 100 warriors the next time.  We cut back to the human inhabited part of the city where Horie is walking home with her usual escort plus one girl dressed as a mummy.  Since they can't go anywhere without being accosted by demons, a large flower appears and grabs one of the boys while insulting his school uniform.

Forced, inter-species pollination is typically frowned upon

Kakugo is informed by his suit Zero that the students are in trouble.  Kakugo arrives to find his friends fighting the flower as best they can, with little effect.  He is able to vaporize it instantly, but the battle is far from over.  The flower was just an appendage of a much larger demon.  The large, frog-like demon claims Kakugo is trying to steal his individuality and attacks our protagonist with his genitals by transforming them into a supersonic, vibrating microphone.  Realizing his normal attacks could harm the general populace, Kakugo employs a heat wave and ultra-dehydration powder. Kakugo takes this opportunity to reveal to his classmates that he is the armored man.  He also tells them that his brother/sister killed his father and tried to kill him as well.  This ends Part 1.

Only eye-popping 3D could improve this title

Part 2 starts with a flashback to the time when the boys first tried to put on their armor.  Kakugo offered his body warmth to the suit in a room that was -70 degrees for 2 days.  The suit finally opens up so he can try to put it on.  The pain is excruciating as the nervous systems of the two beings merge for the first time.  Once it is all done the souls inhabiting the armor accept his presence and a glorious partnership is formed.  Back in the present a sad trio of male students bemoan their pathetic love lives.  Their pubescent prayers are answered when a buxom nurse appears and promises to help fulfill their fantasy.  The first unfortunate man to explore her body gets the flesh eaten off his hand by her vagina.

I'll bet he's glad he didn't rush straight to intercourse

Horie meanwhile is walking the streets, unguarded this time, singing a song about how much she loves her ribbon.  Miraculously she arrives unharmed at Kakugo's apartment.  Horie tells Kakugo she has come to clean his apartment, but is surprised to find the rest of her usual posse already inside.  The group's good time gets interrupted by another pounding on the door.  Instead of another well meaning classmate they find the nurse in ripped clothes begging for help.  Her name is Megumi, FYI.

Looks like she came from a bachelor party that went horribly wrong

The students rush off to fetch a doctor to tend the nurse's wounds while Kakugo stays to look after her.  Megumi tries to seduce Kakugo by posing completely naked on his kitchen counter.  He slaps her off, telling her not to defile the place he prepares his food and leaves the apartment.  He comes rushing back in when a pink smoke comes billowing out from under the door and finds his home filled with pheromones coming off Megumi.  She transforms into a bizarre monster with weaponized breasts and a bearded, old man's face where her crotch used to be.  Kakugo's wave attacks only cause her pleasure and when he cuts off her breasts she just reattaches them.  In order to prevent her from reforming Kakugo drags her across the ruined roadways, grating her into a fine powder.

I can't show much of this battle, use your imagination

Back in District 13, Harara summons the ancient, withered old man demon Eikichi and dispatches him to destroy his/her brother.  This new demon travels to the school where he promptly eliminates the defense force with blades made of saliva.  The majority of the students are in a special detox pool that acts to dispel radiation and other toxins prevalent in the current landscape. The boys all wear speedos and some of the girls don't feel the need to stay completely inside their swimsuits. 

The boys are way too interested in Kakugo considering the pool is co-ed

Eikichi appears on the pool's sunroof leering at the students before breaking in and capturing Horie.  Kakugo attempts to free her, but without his powered suit, or clothes of any kind, he is at a distinct disadvantage. He manages to rip out the monster's toothed tongue and save Horie.  Eikichi responds with a series of powerful attacks that Kakugo must take unguarded.  Or so we think.  As it turns out, Kakugo is able to absorb his piercings to form a protective shell when his suit is unavailable.

Full Metal Wetsuit

Not to be outdone, Eikichi transforms his genitals into a dragon gripping two brass, electrified orbs.  Their escalated battle destroys the pool and they are forced to bring their fight outside. The other students, deciding to be useful for once, run off to fetch Kakugo's power suit.  This takes a bit of time as the case weighs several hundred pounds.  Once in his suit our hero quickly dispatches the gonad dragon and prepares to deliver the final blow to Eikichi.

"Respect my elders?  I'll respect you right in the face!"

At this point Harara uses a bizarre machine to commandeer Eikichi's body in order to fight his/her brother.  A flashback shows Harara revealing to his father that he "died" after fusing with the female Kasumi power suit and that as a half-demon Harara possesses a malleable form allowing her to switch genders at will.  Then daddy is killed by the daughter he never had.  Back in the present the two siblings continue their fight and Kakugo is not holding up well.  After a brief visit from his father's ghost Kakugo gets the motivation to fight at 110%.  Harara meanwhile is having new trouble as the body she is possessing has died and is getting stiff from rigor mortis.  Kakugo uses this opening to punch her borrowed face in, then out again.  The real Harara is left to recover in her castle and Kakugo enjoys the praise of his classmates.  The End.

Arguably the most thorough face punching in history

Why watch?
1.  Over-the-top violence - This title has some impressive blood and guts brawling.  The tearing flesh, exposed bone and spurting blood could almost be called artistic.  The qualifying word being "almost."

Squeezed like a fast-food ketchup packet

She wasn't really using that brain anyway

His skin hasn't peeled this bad since last Spring Break

2.  The "you won't believe it until you see it" factor- This title has a lot of moments you can't believe were actually animated.  Even if they were, it is harder yet to believe someone released this show in the USA with only a "16 and up" suggested rating.

Most of you probably won't want to see more than this

3. Dialogue - Another title with delightfully terrible dialogue.  Some examples:

“You ever kissed anybody before?”

“I kissed a dog once”

“Didn’t anyone ever tell you it’s impolite to sit on the place where you prepare your food?  You should be ashamed!”

“My whole body is one big erogenous zone!  I look forward to all your attacks darling!”

“She’s like a shellfish.”

Why not to watch?
1. Character Designs -  The designs in this are fairly awful.  While the style works well for the demons, it doesn't do the humans any favors.  Unless this is supposed to demonstrate the effects of intense radiation and toxic chemicals on the human form there is no reason for this stylistic choice.  

Check out the lips on the guy in the back

I thought they'd reveal this teacher was a demon

Even the secondary characters are rather homely

Should you be watching?
Despite the reasons I gave above to watch Apocalypse Zero, it is somewhat hard to recommend this title.  I'll give this one designation "Train Wreck" as in, you don't want to stare but you can't look away.  This show is sure to offend the sensibilities of many people, but in a sense that is the source of its appeal.  If you can stomach the bizarre sexuality and violence you'll probably want to find a copy just to confirm this isn't all some elaborate prank on my part.