What Is It Good For? Part 3: Psychic Wars

Demons and a buff, shirtless, surgical oncologist duke it out for the fate of mankind in this unusual little title.  This blog post is dedicated to a coworker who left recently and is preparing for her imminent wedding.  This goes out to you Chivon!  I'm also adding a new searchable category for your enjoyment: Memorable Moment.  A category for those titles that have scenes I can never forget.

Background:
Released By: Manga Video
Length: 55 minutes
Year of Production: 1991
Language: Sub and Dub both included, Dub reviewed
Available on Netflix: Yes

If you've watched half as much low budget anime as I have you start to notice patterns.  If you're better at noticing patterns then most you can pick out trends with just a few titles.  A good friend of mine developed what I'll call the Singer Theorem.  His general argument is that in any bad to mediocre anime OVA there will be a sex scene, graphic or implied, between 2/3 and 3/4 of the way through the film.  With many OVA's clocking in at an hour, this means the primal act will occur between 40 and 45 minutes into the anime.  It is amazing how often his rule holds.

The Conflict:
5,000 years ago the humans and demons battled for possession of the Earth.  Being an anime, the epic battle took place in Japan, Osaka to be specific.  Although the humans were victorious in their ancient war there was apparently a clause in the surrender agreement stating the demons could try to retake the planet in 5,000 years which seems like a fairly serious oversight on the part of the human negotiators.

Story:
We open with a description of the ancient war, which I have summarized above.    From there we move to a woman sitting in her doctor's office.  She warns the surgeon, Ukyo, that the cancer growing inside of her will will be unlike anything he has ever seen before.  Sure enough, when he gets in there and cuts out the growth he is amazed to see it continues to grow and thrive outside the old woman's body. 

We shall stare at this bizarre growth while wearing lab coats, FOR SCIENCE!

Ukyo, being slightly weirded out by the whole ordeal decides to go get some fresh mountain air and leaves the recovering old lady in the competent care of his right hand nurse Fuyuko.  While up in hill country Ukyo senses malevolent spirits and seeks out a holy temple.  There he finds a golden idol that reminds him of his cancer patient.  He prays to the statue hoping to dispel the evil but instead there is an earthquake which levels the building.  A disembodied voice calls out to Ukyo, filling him with a golden power and the statue dissolves.  The nurse calls the doctor to let him know that the old woman just died.  Ukyo realized it the death occurred the moment the statue broke.

She didn't shatter though, so the funeral was open casket.

As the old lady had no living relatives Ukyo volunteers to sort through her few meager possessions.  The only thing of interest is an ancient scroll.  It contains a prophecy stating that after 5,000 years the demons would return to reclaim the world and a man would gain the power of the gods to stop them. As he tries to absorb this information the phone rings.  It is Fuyuko again, informing him that the dead woman's tumor is attacking people in the research wing.  I loved writing that last sentence.

Memorable Moment
So this is the new section I'm adding, where I highlight truly awe inspiring sequences.  They won't appear often, but when they do, look out!  After getting the news from Fuyuko, Ukyo glows gold and runs through the hospital at top speed.  He reaches the research lab, confronts the tumor and punches its ugly tumor teeth in, thus finding the cure for cancer.  Punching.  I wish I could upload a video of this, but you'll have to settle for a few pictures.

OH NO! Flying, Toothed, Cancer!

Golden, Power Windup.......

BAM!  No more cancer!

Most of the greatest punches in anime occur when there is a decent bit of plot to back them up.  Luffy punching Bellamy or the Tenryuubito in One Piece for example or Simon clobbering Rossiu in Gurren Lagann.  Psychic Wars doesn't need the story because Ukyo is punching cancer itself, which is pure, undiluted awesome.
End Memorable Moment

After besting cancer, Fuyuko and Ukyo go up to the roof where he shares the prophecy with her.  She curses the horrors fate has brought to him, wishing he wasn't the chosen one.  Despite her reservations Fuyuko agrees to go with Ukyo to scatter the old woman's ashes on the Mountain of Great Sadness.  While praying at the shrine on the ominously named mountain, spirits from the future promise to help Ukyo in his battles.  Perfect timing as a giant demon appears at that very moment.  Ukyo glows again and after a short battle he is able to summon a sword and spear powerful enough to kill the demon.

Also, more punching.

Our two favorite medical professionals go to Kyoto University to talk to Ukyo's old boxing buddy and current professor of ancient culture.  They want to know what human cultures existed 5,000 years ago. The professor tells them there is no evidence of human culture at that time, although his personal theory is there may be a hidden city deep in the mountains.  He would go look for it himself, but for the fact it is hard to get there.  Damn lazy archaeologists.   Ukyo heads to the mountains alone, tailed by his trusty nurse sidekick.  He is upset that she came, but agrees to let her share his campfire.  The evening is going well until Ukyo sense the presence of evil and rushes deeper into the mountains with his trusty shotgun.  You know, because golden, psychic punches and magical, bladed weapons aren't good enough.  When he gets to the source of the evil he finds something unexpected......a deer.

AAAAAAH SHOOT IT!   It must be the Anti-Bambi!

Ukyo is slightly confused until he hears a scream back at the campfire.  The demons tricked him so they could kidnap his woman take her to their underground layer.  Ukyo follows as quickly as he can, down the cave and into an underground. golden city.  He continues following Fuyuko's screams deeper into the cave, which is all well and good until there is another earthquake.  Ukyo loses his footing and falls into some strange, mystical vortex where he meets a gaggle of glowing nuns, or whatever their Japanese counterpart would be.  Priestesses I guess. 

Gives me flashbacks to my days in Catholic School, except we had gravity.

Ukyo lands in a field full of corpses, presumably in Kansas as everything is sepia-toned.  A squad of demons on horseback ride through and Ukyo realizes he must  have traveled back in time to the original war with the demons.  He blows a few away with his trusty shotgun and stabs the rest, claiming their finest steed as his own.  As Ukyo explores the ancient landscape he finds the humans of the era, not in a golden city but rather a cluster of thatch-roofed huts.  It isn't all bad, at least color has come back to the landscape.

The old dude isn't a wizard or even a wise man.  He's kinda dumb.

The village elder takes Ukyo to a magic waterfall where he is able to meet the ghostly nuns again.  The nuns tell him that he must defeat the demons in this time period or else there will be no future for humankind.  The old man chimes in to say that the demons have abducted all of the women as a source of food.  Ukyo jumps astride his massive steed and races off in search of the demons.  In a nearby swamp he finds Fuyuko suspended over the unhygienic waters.   He cuts the rope and dives in after her, which is all well and good until she turns into the Water Demon.  Ukyo can't do much until he gets back on land, where he punches the demon in the loincloth.

All is fair in love and demon slaying

The demon gains his second wind and begins pummeling Ukyo relentlessly, and really who can blame the poor creature?  Ukyo is completely unable to retaliate until the nuns transmit some of their power to Ukyo.  With his borrowed strength, the doctor ignores his Hippocratic Oath, punches through his enemy's armor and rips out his heart. 

Putting his medical training to good use.

As the demon staggers backwards, his body explodes sending flying death tumors at Ukyo.  So to summarize, this demon was apparently dying of cancer anyway and the doctor simply administered euthanasia.  Ukyo activates his shiny golden powers and the tumors disintegrate.  The nuns appear again and tell Ukyo he must go to the demon city and destroy the Queen of Darkness.  He finds his way to the Golden City and is assaulted be demons wielding explosive arrows and swords.

He slices, he dices, he can also act as a nightlight!

Fortunately for Ukyo, most of the demons are gathered in the central square getting a pep talk from their Demon General.  The good doctor finds their munitions storeroom, where he utters the one other thing I remembered about this OVA before re-watching it, "So many explosives..."  Anyway, Ukyo rigs the explosives all over the city and sets the fuses as the General finishes his speech.  The General opens a portal to the future and then duels with Ukyo  Only a handful of demons, the General and Ukyo are able to get to the portal before the dynamite knocks it down.  The warriors appear on a major highway where the local commuters are less than pleased.

Oh no! My car insurance doesn't cover Acts of Satan!

Ukyo quickly cuts down the lesser demons and the focuses on the general.  He manages to ram a sword through the fearless leader, but that fails to kill him.  Ukyo then implements his Plan B: running a Shell Gas tanker truck into the impaled monster.  The resulting explosion serves two purposes.  The first is that it disintegrates the General and the second is that it alerts Fuyuko that Ukyo is back in the human world.  She runs to him and drags his semi-conscious body back to her apartment.  The Singer Theorem takes effect at this point and the couple have freaky LSD inspired relations. Oh, and the nuns appear to them during the deed.

Stylized Intercourse, now with 50% more flowers!

  The nuns tell them that the demon race is not yet destroyed, the Queen is still alive somewhere.  Ukyo decides to ignore the nuns temporarily and asks Fuyuko to marry him.  The nuns give their blessing to this potential union. Ukyo asks to meet Fuyuko's parents the next day, seeing as he knows nothing about his future bride other than the fact she works at the same hospital and enjoys searching for ancient cities.  Ukyo also calls his professor fiend and asks him to be the best man at the wedding.  As they drive out to the country to meet Fuyuko's parents the two lovebirds discuss what the war between the races will mean to either side.  Fuyuko is surprisingly sympathetic to the demons.  The bride-to-be brings her man to an old, abandoned temple with some unusual lawn ornaments.

And you thought lawn gnomes were an eyesore

Ukyo is slightly creeped out by temple decorated with stone demons and asks Fuyuko to explain.  She tells him the temple has been under her family's care for generations. Fuyuko then goes on a rant about how it isn't fair that humans have prospered at the expense of the demons.  Demons were more intelligent and more advanced when the original war took place after all.  She then requests that Ukyo die with her.

Could you say "No" to those beautiful eyes?

Now Ukyo is very much concerned about what the hell is going on and assumes that the Demon Queen must have switched places with his beloved Fuyuko at some point. The increasingly creepy woman tells him that 5,000 years ago after her race lost the war she took human form to avoid execution.  As the millenia passed, Fuyuko mated with the most intelligent and talented humans she could find in hopes of creating a super demon capable of winning the scheduled rematch.  This never worked as well as she hoped, and she had originally approached Ukyo with similar motives.  Fuyuko claims to have actually fallen in love with Ukyo, thus betraying her royal duties and her race.  She wants them to die so they can be together, if only in the afterlife.  Ukyo's love apparently isn't as strong and he vows to destroy her for being a demon.  The Demon Queen rescinds her offer and vows to destroy all humans.  Then she takes on her true form.

My friends have warned me about the crazy redheads

Fuyuko summons a Wind Spirit to help her fight Ukyo and their combined power is more than the poor doctor can handle.  Eventualy the time-traveling nuns from the future appear to lend Ukyo their power yet again.  To even the odds the nuns fight the Wind Spirit and the two lovers fight mano-a-womano.  The nuns are able to subdue the malevolent spirit by throwing beads like a drunken fraternity in New Orleans during Mardi Gras.

Show us your demonic naughty bits!

Now that the playing field has been leveled, Ukyo is more than a match for his lover.  They exchange blows for a while before he summons his spear and sword.  Ukyo plunges the spear through Fuyuko's chest.  He then leaps high into the air and stabs her straight through the top of her head.

Preparing an ancient demon kebab recipe

Fuyuko, somehow barley alive, reverts to her human form.  She then whispers to Ukyo that she knew it was her time to die but she didn't want to go alone.  As the last of her life drains away one of the ghostly future nuns appears.  She asks Ukyo for the Demon Queen's corpse for proper disposal.  The doctor agrees and the spectral holy woman disappears with his would-be bride.  The End.

Fade to misty white.

Why watch?
1.  Punching! - I like a good, manly brawling anime from time to time.  The battles in this a great, if a little on the short side.  Super-powered, demon-shattering punches are a strong point of this title.

Never hit a woman, unless of course she really deserves it.

2. Demons - I love mythical creatures, they really capture my imagination.  From dragons and orcs to Pokemon and Digimon, any monsters are good in my book.  I really enjoy the creature designs in this OVA. 

Okay, some of them are armored Hulk rip-offs.

Why not to watch?
1. Length - There is a very decent story hidden in Psychic Wars but sadly not nearly enough time to do it justice.  The love story, which is clearly meant to be an important plot point, seems forced and rushed.  The battles could also use a bit more time to build tension.  Given another 45 minutes or so to flesh out the story this could have been a great movie rather than an average OVA. 

I love you sole-female-character-under-6o-years-of-age.

2. Super Saiyan Surgeon - I don't mind the powered-up version of Ukyo.  My problem is that his powered form seems to borrow a little too heavily from Dragon Ball Z. 

I'm running dangerously low on Goku-themed puns

Should you be watching?
As much as this title amuses me personally, I can't recommend it for everyone.  The basic elements of a good story are laced throughout, the battles are fun to watch, and don't forget the cancer curing punches.  If you're able to look past the flaws inherent in the direct to video market and appreciate it for what it is, Psychic Wars can provide an enjoyable viewing experience.  If you want something that will stand the test of time, you'll have to look elsewhere.  This falls squarely in the "maybe" pile of titles I've reviewed.  Even so, I hope at least a few of you will rent Psychic Wars if only to watch a doctor punch cancer.