Bad Idea Train Part 3: Kimera

Do you love vampires?  Big Twilight fan maybe?  Hold the traditional vampire mythology sacred?  If so, you're going to hate this weeks entry.  If not you may get a few unintended laughs in when we take a look at:

Background:
Released By: ADV Films
Length: 45 minutes
Year of Production: 1996
Language: Sub and Dub both included, Dub reviewed
Available on Netflix: Yes
First let me clarify a few things.  The Kimera in the title is not to be confused with the Greek monster composed of a goat, lion, and snake.  It also has no relation to the opera singer Kimera, the third King of Buganda named Kimera or the fictional Kimera species from the T.V. show "Earth: Final Conflict."  Instead Kimera is a hermaphroditic-tentacled-alien-vampire and the title character of a very terrible OVA.
I didn't really begin to appreciate terrible anime until my last few years of college.  After watching a few notable titles such as Crimson Wolf and Vampire Wars (Both of which I plan to feature at a later date) I learned how much fun unintentionally terrible anime could be.  One of my roommates looked up the worst rated anime on Anime News Network and in the top 10 he found Kimera and I decided to order it.  Kimera was everything we had hoped for and more. Currently Kimera is ranked as the 12th worst anime on ANN.

Characters:
Osamu - The protagonist of this OVA is a Japanese man living in America.  Osamu travels the country with his partner Jay selling cereal.  They specialize in Corn Flakes.  I don't think this is an actual job.  He is a quiet individual who seems to have little luck or experience with women.  Osamu wears a bell around his neck for no particular reason that becomes very important to the story.

An essential fashion accessory for any traveling salesman.

I'm assuming the Engrish and metric units on the upper box are Osamu's handiwork.

Jay Gibson - Osamu's brash, blond, and very American partner.  He lives fast and angry, by no one's rules but his own.  His dad works for the US government and is the scientist in charge of the Kimera project.  A loving father and husband, Jay wants Osamu to find a nice girl soon.  Jay is easily the funniest character in this show.

Jay loves his family almost as much as he loves corn-based cereal

Kimera - The hermaphroditic-tentacled-alien-vampire this OVA is named after.  Thankfully the tentacles are retractable, which makes him/her more tolerable to look at most of the time.  It is explained that Kimera has ovaries but can also produce semen if no suitable females are present.  He/she was a pacifist who tried to live life without drinking blood.  Her purpose in life is to produce the next generation of children for her genetically doomed species.  Kimera has two "brothers" named Kianu and Ginzu and the former is in love with her.  I assume they are "brothers" in the sense that they are all children of their home planet.   

Kimera looking womanly and nurturing in her past

Buff and manly looking, present day

The Bad Idea:
Put simply, the bad idea in this show is Osamu's choice to love Kimera.  He knows that Kimera is incapable of love, and that any offspring she may have are destined to destroy the Earth.  More on this at the end of the Story summary.

Love is all you need, screw humanity

Story:
 The story opens with a pod-like spaceship falling to Earth.  I just realized that every anime I have reviewed so far features a spaceship landing on a populated planet.  Can't remember if the show I have planned for next week features a spaceship as well as a bad idea.  I don't think so.....

Keeping the theme alive

As is customary in any good horror movie, the pod is uncovered deep in the woods by some country hick.  The hick's dog is immediately tentacled to death by an alien-vampire, although which of the three is not revealed.  Theoretically during this time frame Kimera is captured by the US military and sent to a research facility.

Victim number 1

Cut to Osamu and Jay doing their traveling salesman thing.  While driving down a dark country road at night they come upon an Air Force blockade.  While the salesmen try to argue their way past the military, Kianu attacks with psychic fireballs while flying overhead.  While fleeing for cover, Osamu hides in a trailer containing a creepy alien frozen in a tube.  It is love at first site for some reason.  Despite being cryogenically frozen, the sound of Osamu's necklace bell wakes her up.  I'm really not sure how this works.....

Thank heavens for those strategically placed support beams

After Osamu tries to make-out with the beautiful(?) alien creature through the glass, a second volley of fireballs from Kianu spoils their fun.  The Air Force captures our cereal salesmen and transports them to a top secret military research facility.  It just so happens that Jay's dad is the lead researcher at this plant.  They are given the choice of forgetting about what they saw or being tailed by the CIA for life.  So they make the logical choice of stealing Jay's Dad's keycard in order to explore the facility at their leisure while disguised in lab coats.  Jay's Dad, Dr. Gibson is dealing his power-hungry, rage-filled, co-researcher Dr. Fender.  Dr. Fender is secretly aiding the the alien-vampire Ginzu by supplying him with delicious organs and cadavers as well as building him breeding chambers for Kimera's use.

Dr. Fender is on the right.  He looks like a relative of mine.

Osamu and Jay find Kimera's cryogenic tube hidden in a beautiful greenhouse located in the research facility.  Osamu decides to thaw out Kimera despite the many warnings signs indicating this is a poor choice.  At this point Kianu, the flying fireball alien-vampire phases through a wall and attempts to assassinate Kimera.  Osamu risks his life to protect him/her and is injured in the process.  Kimera takes this opportunity to drink Osamu's blood, and this act unleashes her hidden powers. A burst of energy ensues and Osamu and Kimera disappear.  

Almost looks like a girl in this one, but not quite.

We next see Kimera ambling past an arcade wearing nothing but a lab coat.  She attracts the attention of two delinquents and one of them tries to put the moves on her.  Here is the exchange they have upon seeing her.

“Hey Sweet Mama!”

“Are you nuts? She looks like a guy!” 

“Naw Man, she’s hot!” 
Sadly, the punk I agree with loses the arguement and they proceed to have a three-way with Kimera.  This does not end well for them.  Partway through Kimera decides she would be better off eating them than procreating with them. 

They dangers of unprotected sex.  He really should have used a garlic condom.

While Kimera is enjoying her sex buffet, Osamu is having a trip down memory lane, albeit not his own.  Somehow, when Kimera drank his blood, their minds connected and now he is able to see her past.  Osamu is able to experience her love for Kianu, her refusal to drink blood by force, and her horror upon seeing how the Mothers of the vampire race reproduce.  When Osamu comes to, he is in an abandoned church that has been converted into a breeding facility by Ginzu and Dr. Fender.  Ginzu apparently abducted Osamu as the chosen breeding partner for Kimera, who conveniently shows up to the church.  Kianu barges in to stop Ginzu, Ginzu insults Kianu's manhood and a tentacle battle ensues.

You don't typically see this many demonic tentacles in a non-hentai

While the men are duking it out, Dr. Fender hooks Kimera up to his breeding device.  Once he has finished, Ginzu gives him his reward for betraying humanity: Gruesome Tentacle Death.

I'd still prefer this to mating with Kimera

Osamu helps to distract Ginzu so Kianu can deliver a near fatal blow.  Kianu himself is also mortally wounded in the exchange, and as a final action, he teleports Osamu to the breeding chamber and begs the human to shoot Kimera, his former lover, so her offspring won't destroy Earth.  Then the church's roof collapses, killing the male alien-vampires.  The next image we see is Jay rooting through the wreckage of the church.  He finds Osamu's favorite bell necklace and mourns his friend's death.  Little does Jay know, Osamu eloped with Kimera, even knowing that her offspring will consume Earth.  

Who wouldn't love that face?

To justify his actions, Osamu presents us with the following soliloquy:
"I’ve opened Pandora’s Box.  The child that Kimera and I will bear may indeed become a threat to the existence of everything on Earth.  And yet those who know that legend will recall that there was still one thing that remained in the box.  That thing was hope and its all I have left"  
I don't really think knowingly unleashing the brood of an alien overlord to consume the planet is the same as opening a box with unknown contents, but hey, it's his metaphor not mine.  He goes on to admit that Kimera is incapable of love, but he will love her anyway, even if it costs him his soul.  They drive off into the sunset.

The End?

Why watch?
 1. Jay - Jay is hilarious.  Some of the dialogue that comes out of his mouth is amazingly funny. Sadly, Jay disappears about halfway into the show and then only comes back for a brief appearance before the ending scene.  Here is a sampling of some of his zingers.

“Oh grow some hair on your balls, don’t you want to find that dreamsicle of yours?”

“It’s my brain that’s exhausted” 

“Osamu! At least think before you go pushing a strange switch!” 

Spouting off one-liners works up quite the sweat.

Why not to watch?
1. The Mythology - Don't get me wrong, I enjoy when writers tweak classic monster mythology to make it fresh and interesting.  The trick to any mythological modification lies in the degree to which it is done.  Making vampires aliens from another planet?  I think it has been done before but that's fine.  Making vampires a genetically dead species who require humans to propagate?  Not bad.  Making vampires into tentacled, psychic-powered creatures who frolic with baby dragons and use the Greys as ambassadors to renegotiate the ancient human-vampire peace treaty? Too much.     

At least they can still be hurt by crosses.

Diplomatic immunity didn't help this one

2. Kimera herself - Kimera just creeps me out.  The fact that she looks like a man but is always treated as a beautiful woman by the rest of the characters really bothers me.  The whole thing is just very distracting.  Also, they never explain how she transformed from a verbose peace-lover who refused to drink blood  into an instinct driven mute whose only desire is to breed and gorge on blood. 

It haunts my dreams......

Should you be watching?
No.  There really isn't a good reason for you to spend 45 minutes of your life on this.  There are some unintentional laughs to be had, but that's about it.  Unless you really have a thing for hermaphroditic vampires  or tentacle monster battles and you can't get your fix anywhere else, you'd be better off skipping this one.